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Full disclosure: I did not like this episode, so let’s get into the roasting, shall we?
Beyond The Wall
The episode begins and I’d almost already forgotten that the plot of tonight’s episode is going to be, “try to kidnap a zombie and bring it back to Westeros.” Fuck. That is such a terrible idea.
This is a show in which a pair of twins have children together, and I think this might be the worst idea I’ve ever heard.
Everyone is trying to make Gendry be chill about the fact that his comrades sold him to Melisandre and she put leeches on his penis. Don’t give in, Gendry. You are hot have a right to your feelings.
Real question: Has anyone ever travelled further or endured more to be in the friend zone than Jorah Mormont? Dude was sold into slavery, got his skin scraped off, and now he’s beyond the world on Operation Zombie Kidnap, all so Dany might give him a hug later. So sad.
Mormont and Jon Snow get into an honor-off over which one of them gets to keep the fancy sword. The whole thing is very phallic.
Jon: I’m so honorable, I’m giving you the sword.
Jorah: I’m so honorable, I’m giving you the sword back.
Me:
Winterfell
It’s Sansa Vs. Arya: Who Will Bitch Slap Who?
Arya: Remember our dad? He used to stand here.
Sansa: Uh…yeah I was there.
Arya is all pissed off about a letter none of us remember from like 15 seasons ago.
Sansa: You’re being really petty right now.
Me: True.
Arya: You used to be really fucking stupid.
Me: Also true.
Arya tries to hit Sansa with an “I was training to be a faceless man,” while Sansa responds with an “I low-key saved this entire family.”
Ugh. Littlefinger is such a tricky bitch for pitting the girls against each other this way. Don’t they realize they should be using their Lady Stark powers to save the North??
Beyond The Wall
We cut back to the wall and everyone is literally just still walking. The Hound teaches Big Red (or whatever tf this character’s name is) the word “dick,” and Big Red won’t shut tf up about Brienne, who isn’t interested.
This scene serves literally no purpose, and was a waste of all of our times.
Dragonstone
We open on Dany giving Tyrion a backhanded compliment.
The conversation quickly shifts to Jon Snow, and Dany and Tyrion start acting like a couple of middle school girls who are trying to figure out if they both have a crush on the same guy.
Tyrion: He likes you!
Dany: No he doesn’t!
Tyrion: You like him!
Dany: He’s too short!
Tyrion: omg!
Tyrion tries to casually bring up the fact that Dany has a bad temper, Dany counters that by getting insanely pissed and storming out of the castle.
Tyrion: Hey since you’re like barren or whatever maybe we should figure out who inherits the throne when you die?
Dany: RUDE
Beyond The Wall
Ugh. The five most boring characters and Jon Snow are still walking. Walking walking walking — OH FUCK IS THAT A POLAR BEAR?
YOOOOO IS THAT A ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR?
Welp, our fateful band of semi-virgins set out to find a zombie, and now they fucking found one. Good for you, Jon Snow. You’ve fought the wildlings, the Boltons, a wight, a White Walker, and now a zombie bear. Good for fucking you.
The zombie bears are going ham killing everyone except the characters we actually care about. One of them chomps on Thoros for a good 30 seconds and yet he somehow survives.
Beric uses his flaming sword, which just turns the murderous zombie bears into murderous zombie bears that are on fire. Good job, Beric.
For real though, shouldn’t the fire stop the zombie bears? Do the zombie bears follow different rules than zombie people in the universe? What the fuck is happening?
Winterfell
Littlefinger tries to drag Brienne into his Arya-on-Sansa fantasy, and guess what, it works.
Brienne: Cersei wants you to come to Kings Landing.
Sansa: Lol nah you can go instead.
Sansa uses this opportunity to rummage through Arya’s shit looking for….weapons? Money? IDK.
BET YA DIDN’T EXPECT TO FIND A BAG FULL OF FACES, YA BISH.
Okay, but seriously, Arya just like…keeps the faces in her bag? That’s how the faces work? You just like, toss them in your bag along with a couple tampons and a bobby pin and shit?
Arya At Brunch: Ugh sorry about my bag, I just have like, my whole makeup bag, my lunch, a hair straightener, and like 15 faces in here. Can’t leave the house without them!
Of course Arya walks in right as Sansa finds the bag full of faces. Doesn’t Sansa get that she’s like, a ninja or some shit now?
Arya: Why don’t I give another long speech about feminism?
Sansa: Umm no bitch you can’t change the subject I need to know wtf is up with these faces.
Arya:
Arya:
Me: So did y’all two just make up or…?
Beyond The Wall
Operation Zombie Kidnap is in full effect. Luckily for all the main characters, none of them died in the dead-flaming-polar-bear attack and now they’re all 100% fit to take on the band of White Walkers they’ve just stumbled upon.
Jon:
Me: This feels like important information.
Things are actually going pretty well for a group of five humans who travelled thousands of miles to try and kill a mythical undead corpse-person, but then they finally get to the “kidnap a zombie” part of their plan and shit starts to fall apart.
We now move into Plan B of Operation Zombie Kidnap, which apparently is just “Gendry runs as fast as he can back to the wall.”
These guys really didn’t think this through, did they?
Even still, they’re all doing a pretty good job considering there appear to be over a thousand wights and White Walkers and just like, five or six of them.
They’re able to fight their way onto a very conveniently located rock and now the plan is to just…wait? Luckily in all the hubbub they were able to still keep an eye on the wight they tied up. I guess these guys are still really committed to bringing one of these things back home with them.
CUT TO: Gendry Forrest-Gumping it across the North. Remember when it took like, multiple seasons to get to get places? Well now Gendry can just run the entire distance of the North during the commercial breaks, and ravens send as fast as texts.
(I know doesn’t have commercial breaks don't @ me.)
Gendry collapses just before the end of his marathon. The fact that “Gendry running as fast as he can back to The Wall” is the only part of this plan that worked out is so, so baffling to me.
Back at the conveniently located rock, Jon and co are not doing so hot. Thoros died, which makes sense because he was attacked by a zombie polar bear that was on fire.
Beric does his flaming sword trick for the 15th time and honestly, I’m no longer impressed. Get a new trick, dude.
In the distance we see The Night King, aka Demon Elsa, and somebody (I can’t remember who, this episode was really stupid) has the brilliant realization that if you kill him, you probably kill all The White Walkers at once.
Jon: Challenge accepted.
Dragonstone & Beyond The Wall
Cut to Dany serving us full “Winter Is Here," ready to fuck some shit up. She’s going to get on her dragon and fly north to set shit on fire, aka the very obvious thing that she should have done from the beginning.
Dany: I’m flying North.
Me: When tf did you have time to get a winter coat made?
Back beyond the wall, The Hound just fucked everyone over by throwing snowballs at the wights. Men are so fucking stupid.
We’re now in for one of ’ famously boring riveting fight scenes.
Jon: Fall back!!! Fall back!
Everyone: Lol where?
The entire crew is surrounded. They all grab hands and accept death like at the end of , then…
DRAGOOONNSSSS
Dany shows up on her dragons and does what we all have wanted her to do from day one: starts burning zombies.
Dany: Get on the dragon loser, we’re going back to Westeros.
Jon: Just lemme kill a few more zombies real quick.
Everybody is so busy paying attention to wtf Jon is up to, that nobody realizes Undead Elsa is about to kill one of the fucking dragons with his ice spear.
Word to the wise: if the fucking Ice King is anywhere near your shit, have one person in your crew assigned to watching the Ice King at all times. Ya gotta keep an eye on the Ice King.
Live footage of the Ice King approaching to kill everyone:
Dany is now force to haul ass out of the North with one less dragon, while Jon Snow gets pulled into yet another fake-out death.
Jon Snow:
Me: Lol yea right dude you can’t die. Uncle Benjen is probably going to show up to save you or some dumb shit like that.
Uncle Benjen:
Me: Of. Fucking. Course.
The Wall
Dany is sad because her new boyfriend who she doesn’t realize is actually probably her nephew is either dead or a zombie right now, and her dragon baby is also dead.
Luckily for her, it’s apparently very easy to just ride away from an entire army of White Walkers, and Jon is actually like, fine.
Me, every second of this episode so far:
CUT TO: Jon awaking with Dany standing over his bedside.
Dany sees Jon’s stab wounds for the first time and is like, “I KNEW I smelled a red flag.”
Even still, Jon looks so good whenever he wakes up from a near death experience. We, the audience, know this, but Danearys Targaryen has yet to experience it.
Dany: I can’t have kids.
Jon: Okay…
Dany: But we can like, do other stuff…
We find out that Jon is down to bend the knee to Danearys, but more importantly it’s pretty clear that Danearys is down to bend da knees to Jon, if ya know what I mean (blow jobs).
Beyond The Wall
Lest you forget, the idiots who decided that kidnapping an undead demon was a good idea, also let one of their dragons be killed, and left that dragon’s body in the hands of the White Walkers.
If you didn’t see this coming, you literally have not been paying attention.
That’s right: We’ve got a White Walker dragon now. What does that mean, exactly? IDK, but it can’t be fucking good.
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